October/November Recap

I was in the process of writing my October recap blog post when things with my dad started to take a turn for the worse. I never got it done because he passed on Nov 20th  2 days before his 85th birthday and I have not felt like finishing it until now. I am going to combine October and Nov together.
It's hard to believe it is already November. The holidays will be here before we know it at this rate. We got our first major snow last month. It felt more like January than October. Last year we didn't get any show until December. Thankfully it didn't last too long and have been back in the high 50's the last few days.
Hello October This piece was made on my Ipad Pro using Procreate. Inspiration came from The Postman's Knock.

Things with my parents continued to be challenging. Hospice was providing a nurse twice a week and a CNA 3 times. It was still a lot to handle for my mom on her own though and was not going well. Her 75th birthday was on October 8th. Emilia took her swimming something she use to love to do but had not done since the accident. They planned on going around 10 but she was not ready. They finally got there but it turned out they changed ownership and raised the price of the guest pass. Emilia had only brought enough to cover the old amount so they were not going to let her in. She called me and asked if I could call in a credit card. They said no but could use the one my mom had on file when she joined. Thankfully it still worked. She was finally able to swim but did not want to stay long. She didn't want to do anything else. Emilia and I went back over later that night and took her some of her favorite candy and made her dinner. She seemed happy with that but I wish we could have done something funner to celebrate but that was not happening this year. Things with them both continued to be a challenge. He was eating so much we could not keep up with the grocery bills. He also convinced his hair guy to take him to the store so he could buy more food. I had refused to take him anywhere because of the catheter and because he was still a fall risk. He drove the guy so crazy with all his demands he stopped answering his calls after that.  She was getting more angry with him by the day and started taking it out on him physically and mentally. He was not easy to deal with though. The social worker had suggested we try Respite to give her a break but she refused. I think he would have gone if she had not stopped it. I had her working with the Wiser Mind to help with her memory and it was going well but 24 hours of them being together day after day was definitely not working. At the end of the month she had also fallen off the bed somehow on to her arm. When I asked if she wanted to go get it checked out she said no so I let it go. I was really worried that she would get so angry at him she would push him and he would fall again but there was nothing else I could do to keep that from happening they still refused any extra help that I tried to find them.

Things in our Etsy shop continued to be slow. We did get this great photo from a return buyer of her adorable dog Theo and his brother Oscar. She has bought a hat and matching bowtie for Theo since he was 1 and comes back every year. Wish I had more customers like that.

I was only able to create a couple of art pieces this one I used 1 of the Folksy Florals Template from On The Mark Design. I love how it came out and look forward to doing more.

I also made this piece for the Florals and Praise for His Glory Challenge. I was still struggling with my faith and trying to find answers but this verse stood out to me though.

We ended up getting a big snow storm and cold the end of the month. Was not happy about that but unfortunately we can't control the weather.

Hello November

I made this piece on my Ipad Pro using Procreate and follwed Karin Ipadletterings YouTube tutorial.

This part is very long but it is everything that happened. I understand if you don't want to read it all just skip to the end. I am sharing all this here as documentation for myself and the chance it might help someone else not feel so alone. 
The month started with the social worker we had quitting so we got a new one. She was worthless. When I told her what was going on her best suggestion was to drug my mom! Who says that? Needless to say I did not want anything else to do with her after that.  The nurse that took care of him twice a week was still being helpful. I liked her a lot but my mom was not happy with her. Turns out that catheter came out one night. When I called to check on them they never mentioned it. I found out from the nurse who had thankfully gone over that day for a regular visit. He was not going to put it back in but thankfully she convinced him to do it. I guess my mom was yelling at him over it and the nurse told her they were done arguing about it well that made my mom not like her anymore which was ridiculous. She had every right to tell her that. She should not have been yelling at him in front of her. Once the Catheter was back in I thought everything would be fine but the next morning I got a call it was leaking and was a Saturday. My mom said she had called for someone to come out but they never came. I called twice after that and still no one. After 7 hours of waiting I called Dispatch Health to come but right after I got done doing all the paperwork someone from Hospice finally showed up. Turns out it was something simple but it never should have taken that long. None of us were happy about it. What if if was a real emergency? Shortly after that I heard from another Hospice that said they could do better. I didn't even know there was another Hospice in Denver. It was good timing because I found out that my parents were considering dropping Hospice all together which would have been a terrible idea then they would have no care for him at all. He was also wanting to go back to his regular doctors but I told him that was not an option mainly because it was to hard to get him there and there was nothing they could do for him anyways. The Kidney doctor who had told us about Hospice in the first place never knew that we decided to use them and was calling to remind him of appointments which just confused him and made things harder for me. The nurse also tried to explain that to him but in the process told him they could cancel Hospice at anytime. I don't know why she would have told them that. I ended up telling them that I found another Hospice that said they could do better and I thought we should meet with them and thankfully they agreed. They came out to meet all of us. They were very nice but didn't seem like they had anything that much better to offer and I didn't really want to start making changes unless we had to. We all agreed to give the Denver Hospice one more chance. His nurse was also suppose to bring a real doctor with her later in the week and he was happy about that. Thankfully that visit went well and they both loved the Doctor. They were concerned that there had been damage done from the catheter though and wanted me to take him back to the urologist. I told her that was not going to happen because of how hard it was to get him there the last time. She said she would talk to the social worker about getting him transportation there it could be a couple of days for an answer though because it was a Friday. I also didn't understand why they even wanted him to go there because he refused surgery and surgery was required to fix this problem. I decided to just let it go for the time being though.  The next day everything would change. Nov 16th he ended up falling again saying that his legs felt weird. My mother called 911 thankfully she told them he was on Hospice so they didn't take him in. It took over an hour for someone from the Hospice to get there again but they finally did. They checked him out and said he was okay then put him in bed. He got through the rest of the night and got up on his own the next morning which was very surprising. My sister said he had called her and sounded okay. Shortly after that he fell again. My mother called and said he was going to the hospital this time and I agreed. When we got there he was not doing well. He was in a lot of pain. He kept saying it was his back. They did an xray and a CAT and could not find anything so we decided to transfer him to inpatient Hospice for a few days to try and get his pain under control. They said the only reason to keep him in the hospital was if he wanted more tests but he said he was DNR again. He could not come home like that he had to go somewhere and be taken care of because it was way too hard on all of us especially my mom. She also was not doing well. I thought she was getting  another lymph node infection. I also had a massive migraine. I told him we were going home and would see him later. He said okay and was watching football when we left. I told the nurses to get him something to eat and they said they would. We took mom home got her some breakfast then left. I had gotten a call from the Hospice in the meantime saying we needed to bring in his meds. I thought that was odd but picked them up when I dropped her off then took them over on our way home but they wouldn't take them because they were not in the bottles from the pharmacy?? I was not happy about that so took them and left. I called my sister to tell her to get the bottles ready for me to take over later. I got home and then waited a bit then called to see if he got there safely. I had to search for the night number then leave a message for someone to call me back. They finally did and said he was okay. I took my migraine meds and went to bed. I woke up and felt better so went over to get mom and went to go see him. When we got there he was eating. He was upset that they had not given him enough to eat though. He looked like he did when he was in Denver Health he could not sit up and kept falling over but he kept eating. He was still in a lot of pain. He asked me to help him get the food on the fork so I helped him with that. Emilia and I also tried to help sit him up better but he was really hard to move. We finally got 2 nurses to help him. The room was nice and there was a big TV which I thought he would like be he was not happy. They had us sign some papers saying he only had 7 days there and then would need to go somewhere else. We told him we were leaving and I thought he said get out of here but we were having a hard time understanding him again but what he really said was I want out of here. I asked him where did he want to go and my mom said home and he said yes which I thought was odd because he usually preferred being in a hospital. I left there thinking where were we going to put him after that but things expectantly took a turn for the worse the next day.  

I got a call around 10 am from a nurse who said he had gotten very agitated and was a danger to himself so they gave him Ativan and Halodol  and had a bad reaction to it. They said he could not take his meds by mouth or speak after that??? I was in shock. I could not believe what I was hearing. The nurse told me not to rush over though they had it under control. I got off the phone and totally lost it. I called my sister to tell her. My mom was with Emilia getting an xray of her arm which she had hurt the week before by slipping off the bed so I could not tell her for awhile. We ended up going to to see him later that afternoon. It was terrible. You could see he was very agitated and it looked like he was trying to talk but couldn't. It was like he was trapped in his own body which was horrible.When my mom talked to him he opened his eyes and seemed responsive to her though. I could not bring myself to touch him. I think he knew I was there though. I was not prepared for that. My mom was handling it much better than I was. She didn't even seem that upset and didn't want to stay with him. I called my sister and told her it was bad and did she want to come see him because I did not think he would make it through the night. She had only seen him a handful of times since this started. She finally decided to come. It really hit her hard. I knew it would. She was able to touch him and tell him it was okay to go which made me feel worse.  I was finally able to talk to the social worker who had never called me like she was suppose to and I totally lost it on her. She seemed to be very compassionate and willing to help after that but since my mother was with me I could only say so much. She was suppose to call the next morning so we could talk more. None of us wanted to stay after that so we left. When I got home things got worse for me though because my husband made me feel guilty for not staying. He does not like my parents at all and I thought that when it came to the end I expected him to not have anything to do with it. Instead he me feel even worse about things though. He thought I was going to stay there with my dad until he died? He did not understand it could be days. There was no way I was staying there that long but at the same time it upset me that he was alone. My husbands father killed himself a few years ago and it was totally unexpected. As hard as that was this was a lot different though . My husband acting like that just made things more confusing for me. I expected to get a call during the night that my dad had passed but he was still alive. It took over an hour the next morning to get a call back just to see how he was. The nurse that finally called said he was agitated again and seemed to be in pain. Not what I wanted to hear. I called my mom and told her and she said she didn't want to go see him. The social worker called after that and we talked for awhile. Things seemed to be going well but then she started saying things like I may just have to walk away to save myself. I can't do that though. I am not that kind of person. She did say that it was okay not to be there all the time with him though and they have people to come and sit with him. That made me feel a little bit better.  I also asked if they could send a Rabbi or Pastor in to say to a prayer. I think that was more for my peace of mind though. I didn't understand why it was ending like that. There was not one to talk us through it.  I did not want him to suffer. I just wanted him to pass peacefully and it to be over. We had already been through so much with him.  I also spent time on the phone trying to find the best place to have him cremated. The only thing he said to my mom was to "burn him up" he never really said anything else and never planned for his death. I finally found a place to cremate him but I should not have had to do that though. My parents should have taken care of that. My mom changed her mind and wanted to go see him so we went. We took the dogs with us this time. When we got to his room it was dark. You could still hear him breathing though. There was someone sitting with him in the corner. She left when she saw us. My mom tried to talk to him and he got agitated again. This time she saw the terror in his eyes too. She didn't want to stay much longer after that.  Indie did really well there she even jumped up on the side of his bed. Zoey didn't like it there at all I had to carry her the whole time. The nurse said he seemed to be calmer and they were giving him Phenobarbital? Not sure why they were giving him that though. We took mom back to our house had lunch and I did her nails to try and get her mind off it. We took her home after that then went home. 
Once again I expected to get a call but he made it another night. I talked to the nurse and she said he was still hanging on. I asked if I could speak to a doctor because I still felt like they did something to cause this. I got a call from the hospice doctor shortly after. He basically said that it was just part of the process and did not feel there was anything done to cause it. I had asked about taking him off the phenobarbital but he said that was not a good idea. I asked if I could speak to a pastor which I had requested a few days before but never got a call. I finally got a call this time. We talked for a while. I was a mess.  he tried to put my mind at ease it is hard to remember all he said but one thing that stood out was he said no 2 deaths are alike like no 2 births are alike and I found some truth in that. He told me it was okay not to be there. I asked him if he could go to him and tell him it was okay to go and to try and take some of the fear away and he said yes. I was still very upset after that so I called another pastor I had met when Emilia and I had gone to blessing of the animals this summer at a nearby church. She was such a warm welcoming presence and told me then that I was not alone and they were there for me if I ever needed anything so I called her. She answered the phone when I called which was very surprising. I told her who I was and she seemed to remember me. I told her what was going on and she offered to go over and see him. I thought that was so nice of her. She said she would call me after she saw him. Minutes after I got off the phone with her I got a call from the hospice nurse saying my dad had passed right after the hospice pastor left the room. That brought me some comfort but I never heard from that pastor again. I wish he would have called me to tell me what happened when he went to him.  I also called the other pastor that was going to go and see him to tell her she didn’t have to go but got a message machine this time so I left a message but never heard back from her either. I just don’t understand why neither of them never followed up. At least he was finally at peace. I just hope I did the right thing. I was torn on if I should go see him one last time or not. That last time I had seen him was agitated and fighting again and I didn’t want that to be the last memory I had of him. My mom and sister did not want to see him. Emilia had a client, so I had to wait until she was done. Rich had called in the meantime and I told him I was trying to decide if I wanted to go and see him one more time or not. He said he could take me if I wanted him to. I just wanted to get it over with so I told him to come. By the time he got here Emilia was done though and she was mad I was going to go without her. I ended up telling him to stay home and went with her instead. I felt bad he had come home for nothing but it was better I didn’t take him, I think it would have been harder for me with him there since he was never supportive from the beginning and I doubt he really wanted to be there. We ended up taking the dogs again. When we got there  volunteers were there to great us. One of them was the same guy that was there the night before and he remembered us. I broke down in front of him. He was so nice and grabbed my hand it felt very comforting. There was another lady with him and she came around the desk and gave me the biggest hug.  She walked us back to the nurses station and it was a different nurse then the one that had called. We told her why we were there and she said she would go and make sure it was okay to see him before we went in. We followed her down to the room and waited outside. She came back pretty quickly and said he looked okay except his mouth was open. I was not really concerned about that through because he looked like that for the last 4 months. I was still hesitant to go in so I just looked from the doorway at first. He  looked like he was sleeping and I was okay with that so I went in further. The nurse started to pull up a chair for me to sit in next to him but I told her I was not getting that close. I still could not bring myself to touch him. I was holding Zoey. Emilia seemed to be fine she had Indie. I was worried it might upset her seeing him like that but she was okay with it. She never really had a relationship with him either before these last few months. The nurse started to leave and close the door and I said please don’t do that. We only stayed for a few minutes that was all I really needed. I think I told him that I hoped he was at peace now and with his family and that I did the right thing then we left. We stopped by the nurses station on the way out said goodbye and that was it. Nobody else came to see us. No social worker or pastor which was very disappointing. The same 2 volunteers were there on our way out and the lady hugged us again. She held Emilia for a really long time, I will never forget those 2 people they were the best memory I have of the whole thing. It was cold and raining when we left. We stopped by to see mom and take her a coffee. She seemed to be okay. We didn’t stay long the weather was getting bad. We offered for her to come back with us but she said no. When we got home Rich came up to greet us he said he was sorry tried to give me a hug and that was pretty much it, I am glad that I went though because at least I felt like he was finally at peace but it never should have happened like that. 

The next day I called the place to start the process for cremation. I had started calling places on the list the social worker gave me a few days before to find out how much they were going to charge. I went with the cheapest place because we really had no other choice.  It took 2 more days to hear back from them again though. 

The following day would have been my dad's 85th birthday but instead he was in a freezer somewhere waiting to be cremated. Nobody that I talked to from the Hospice before he passed reached out except for his nurse when he was at home. She told me that she was very saddened by what happened and she sees this all the time so that made me question things again. I did hear from a different pastor from the Hospice checking to see how I was and I told him how I felt. I felt bad for laying it all on him though. He asked me what I needed and I told him Mr Rogers. I felt really stupid for saying that but if only I could find someone like that. I wondered if they really existed anymore though. He said that he was going to find me someone like that and get back to me. On top of that it was starting to hit my mom. She did have another infection in her lymph nodes so we had a big fight about that. She wanted control of the antibiotics but that was not going to happen. Turns out her elbow was broken too so just one more thing I had to deal with. I got the forms for the cremation and noticed on the forms there was something about donating a body and then there would be no cost involved. I told my mom and sister about that and they said to find out more about it. I called Science care and had to answer a lot of questions then they told em they hae to see him medical records. I asked them why they could not call to get them they said I had to do it which made no sense. I tried all afternoon to get them from the Hospice but they would not answer the phone or call me back. He had already been dead for almost 72 hours and there was a time limit to get the body plus it was a weekend so I pretty much gave up on that happening and had my mom sign the papers for the cremation even though I still didn't know how we were going to pay for it.  
The next day I decided to go see the new Mr. Rogers Movie. I was hoping it would help make me feel better about things but it did the opposite. I ended up crying through most of it because it was really about the person who wrote the Esquire article about him and he had a terrible relationship with his father. His mother also died a horrible painful death. He was still made out to be a person that really cared about people which is something I am still desperately searching for. Rich was sitting right next to me the whole time and never once asked me if I was okay which made me even sadder. 

The following Monday I got all the papers scanned for the cremation and sent them off. I had missed a message from the pastor at the Hospice that had called on Friday. I called him back but had to leave a message. He never called back though. Got an email after that from the lady at the crematory saying she got the paperwork and to call in the credit card,  if she was not there to just use the main line. She also said something about contacting Social Security so I called them. I was not sure if I needed the death certificate to proceed though but called anyways. It was a 35 min wait so left a message for a call back. Got an email from the lady at the crematory after that saying they had already reported his death but decided to talk to them anyways. She also said I would need to go there with mom and the death certificate and marriage license that was the last thing I wanted to do though.  I could not pay for the cremation because Emilia had my credit card. Social Security called in the meantime and told me that they pay a month behind so there should be no problem using the money already in his account. They also told me that she would get his Social Security within 30 days automatically and I did not need to take her in which was good news. Emilia had gone to the pharmacy and to take my mom the rest of the food we made her. When she got home I called to pay but they were not there. I tried the other line but got disconnected. Right after that I got a call from Science Care saying they never heard from Hospice. I called them back and talked to a new person this time. I told her what happened on Friday and had given up on that happening, but she said she would call and get back to me and not to pay yet. I heard from hear a little while later and she said she got the records and they could still proceed.  don't understand why they didn't do that the first time, Good thing I had not paid. She started asking me a lot of questions. Then told me that she needed to talk to mom. I said something about her having mild dementia and she then told me we were on a recorded line and that was a problem? I never knew I was being recorded in the first place and was only telling the truth. I had no idea that would be a problem. She started getting nasty with me but then calmed down after I told her she made her own decisions. She went ahead and got the paperwork started. I had to go and get mom to sign it though because we were running out of time. We raced to get there before the blizzard but the snow had already started. I had to have her sign it electronically which was basically just pressing a button. I could have done that myself! I was not sure if had done it right so I called but she had left. Mom wanted us to go home before it got bad so we left. When I got home I was able t talk to someone and they talked me through the rest so I must have done it right. I don’t know why this had to be so complicated but once again I blame Hospice. Right after that I got a call from them they were returning my call from earlier asking about support. I was told it usually takes a month for them to reach out. That is crazy. The person that called was very nice but said they didn’t even have anything that week? Told me to call her again next week to see what they have. Good thing I am not suicidal. I told her all the things they did wrong and she agreed it was not right said she would pass my complaint on. Then she told me to write down her cell number and call her next week. I don’t understand why they don’t have more counselors available. Makes no sense. 

Woke up to  a huge snowstorm the next day and an email that the donation of his body was accepted. I just hope we did the right thing. There is no going back now though. If only he had planned for this on his own so we knew what he really wanted.  

Thanksgiving came a few days later it was the first one without him so I knew it would be hard. I was dreading it because it was the one holiday we celebrated with him. Rich never even asked me how I was feeling that day which was very hurtful. He really never said much of anything to me at all. It was like a dark cloud was looming again and the day was already hard enough. He came upstairs to watch Home for the Holidays like we do every year but when I went over to watch a little bit with him and tried making conversation he just ignored me so I went back to working. When the movie was over he went back down to his office and stayed there the rest of the day. I asked him to move his car when my mom and sister got here because it was really icy out from the storm and I didn’t want them to have to walk very far. At least he did that and thankfully they got into the house okay. He still had not told my mom and sister he was sorry about my dad and was hoping it would do it that day but he never said a word. That really upset me. What kind of person does that especially your own husband? His mother at least had the courtesy to do that even if it was very cold and not very heartfelt at least she tried. I basically did everything myself with Emilia and my nieces help.  He offered to help a few times but I didn’t really want his help after that. He ended up sitting in my dads spot which turned out to be okay since they were/are a lot alike. Thankfully he did not cause any problems and it was not to uncomfortable. He seemed to be trying to interact a bit which was good but strange at the same time. Overall it turned out better than I thought it would but is was still weird that my dad was not there. 

The next day I got a call from another social worker at the Hospice calling to see how I was which was very surprising. I told her I was very disappointed in how things were handled since his death and had been reaching out for help but not getting any. She seemed very concerned about it and said that should not have happened. She gave me a crisis number to call if I needed someone to talk to. Someone should have given me that from the beginning. I also told her that I was suppose to call to set up an appointment next week with the grief counselor. She said she would be available if I needed someone to talk to before then which I appreciated. 

I just don't understand why all this had to happen. I never expected him to die this way or for it to be so hard to find people to help us through this.  I know that death is never easy but this was the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through and am really struggling to make sense of it all. Even though my father is gone I still have my mother to take care of and I do not want it to end the same way. 
I had made this piece about a week before everything took a turn for the worse. This is how I felt and sill continue to feel. Inspiration came from Amy Latta's Book book Handlettering for Laughter Gorgeous Art With A Hilarious Twist. 

I had also been working on this piece during the month. I finally finished it after my dad passed and added this verse from Mark 12:30 from the Nov Florals and Praise for His glory challenge. I am still struggling with Faith right now and trying to make sense of all of this. I have reached out to numerous places for support and still have not found the help I am desperately searching for which is really sad. I will get into that more next month. Until then I hope you enjoy the holidays and the rest of this year will end happily for all of you.